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The Putrid Parable of the Capped CupCakes
A picky porcine person's particularly prickly problematic predicament

Congress recently passed the Cap and Cup Bill, C.C.B., by a narrow margin. Even though the Democrats have a large majority in the Senate, passage through the upper house is not yet assured. All the president's men are operating overtime on the Hill to ensure smooth Senate passage.

The draft decree was 1,500 pages long. There is little doubt that any of our rational representatives read the intricate relevant revisions. It is also unlikely that their assistants and cadets read all of it either . . . but these underlings dutifully passed various one page summaries onto their bosses before the vote. At this moment, the still not-final Senate draft has burgeoned to 1,800 pages as additional amendments are added. It goes without saying that no senator either, will read the legislation, an act assisting passage through their house. A few late night deals in smoke filled rooms . . . .

What does the new legislation bring to the statute books? The canon concerns consumption of cupcakes, a longstanding favourite of our nation.

The American cupcake love affair has been exported around the world via viable franchisers, peddling comparable cupcakes to comrade countrymen confabulating over coffee far away.

Much research has been carried out over the last few years by renowned research facilities. A steady stream of scholarly papers have been published in medical, physiological and psychological periodicals, and there now remains no doubt concerning the negative impact of cupcakes on obesity, heart health, headaches and strokes. As our national guardian, the government sees no option other than to force a curtailment in our consumption of this well loved delicacy. It is, after all, all for the national good.

From the day the law passes through the Senate, each citizen will be permitted to consume a ceiling of twelve cupcakes a day. Each year following implementation of the measures, on the anniversary of the Act's assize, the cupcake ceiling will be cut one cupcake . . . for eight consecutive years. According to contemporary research, four cupcakes per diem is considered safe for healthy human consumption. The law however has built into it an option, in the event of new research findings, to extend the cyclical cupcake cutback by a further two years, to a mere couple of cupcakes each day.

For those, like yours truly, who do not consume, nor fancy even one cupcake crumb, not only will there be no metamorphosis to our lifestyles -- we are to be rewarded by the extraneous edict . . . but for our good friends, Moe, Spike, Bentley and of course my nurse, serious problems may ensue. A daily dozen cupcake cap?! dropping downwards regularly! Moe currently consumes more than a dozen cupcakes per meal! And he honestly believes he is eating healthily.

Fortunately the new measure also incorporates a solution for our corpulent cupcake consuming comrades. Over-users will be able to feed their fetish by purchasing others' unconsumed commodities.

To ensure enforcement of the enactment, each citizen is to be afforded, three monthly, cupcake coupons. At each cupcake acquisition, in addition to the cash, cupcake coupons are conferred.

The C.C.B. provides a mechanism for the implementation of the law. The edict requires the appointment of a Commissioner of Cupcakes to coordinate a Cupcake Commission. In addition to administering the articles of the Act, the commissioner is granted authority to decide, at his sole discretion, to decrease the cupcake ceiling. However, as each new year on the calendar commences, irrespective of the commissioner's actions in previous periods, the cupcake ceiling is still cut by the additional unit.

To avoid a black market in cupcake coupon commerce, the commissioner will supervise a cupcake exchange. Fortuitously such an exchange http://answertip/closealready exists in Chicago, having been set up prior to the national elections, using 1.1 million dollars in seed money from the Chicago Cook County-based Fondness Foundation. The foundation is governed by Democrat politicians, bankers, bakers, businessmen and the junior senator. Software to run such an exchange exists, and will be provided by one of the commercial confederates on an equity footing.

Cupcake connoisseurs craving more darling delicacies than allowed or available to them under the new law, may purchase "extra" vouchers only via the Chicago Cupcake Exchange, the C.C.X. A continental cupcake constabulary, with wide-raching powers, will be especially established, enforcing the exchange as the sole legal cupcake trafficker.

Sellers of surplus coupons merchandise their irrelevant inventory, using the C.C.X. software, obtainable only on-line on the website. This software system scrubs sellers' documents, issuing fresh vouchers to porcine purchasers.

The bill does not peg the cupcake coupon commission. The law, interestingly, leaves this fee to be set at the singular discretion of the C.C.X. itself. Analysts estimate that the exchange will be turning over billions of dollars by its second year of operation.

They also anticipate the C.C.X. will become international within three years, growing exponentially as more and more foreign governments introduce legislation, similar to ours, into their respective parliaments.

After all, this type of business is generated purely by the legislative process.

12th May, 2010    

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